


These Nights Go On And On

by moonpainting



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 08:51:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4094683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonpainting/pseuds/moonpainting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer probably should have realized that this 'thing' with Brendon would be hard for them to deal with.</p>
<p>Basically just a really melodramatic fic loosely inspired by the song After Midnight by Blink 182, which should probably give you an idea of what it's going to be about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Nights Go On And On

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote like 7/8 of this at night sitting in a really uncomfortable chair that hurt my butt, and I finished it the next morning in the same horrible chair, so anything wrong with this fic can be blamed on this awful chair.

I watch cigarette smoke dance lazily out of my mouth as I exhale. I follow its path slowly out and over the edge of the building, floating effortlessly in the air where I cannot. I move closer to the edge only slightly, watching the smoke gradually fade into the air and become invisible. I look down at the ground seeing only the six inch thick, one foot high slab of cement bordering the whole roof and keeping me from accidentally slipping and falling to my death. I know that I won’t fall off of the roof, but still, looking over the edge of the roof gives me that tiny jump in my stomach, like it hadn’t hit me until that moment that I was so far up in the sky. The building isn’t massive for a hotel, but it’s maybe six stories high, but that’s still enough to give me a rush when I look over at the ground from here. Ash falls from my cigarette, down the side of the building, getting swept away by the breeze.

-

_“Fuck, Spencer.” Brendon groans as I leave a trail of wet kisses all over his neck. He pulls my face up to kiss me and I let him, pressing myself closer to him. I push my leg between his and he whines into my mouth. I grind my hips into him to get friction, but he pushes me away when I do. He looks at me, not looking nearly as wrecked as I feel. I frown at him, practically pouting because, who the hell does that? It’s pretty rude of him to just switch the mood from sexy to anything else right now._

_“What?” I ask him, making my annoyance clear. He frowns back at me and I know that the moment is over so I just roll away from him and stare up at the ceiling. Brendon’s room has a really blurry painting of what I think is the beach, and I pretend that I’m there instead. Sitting on a surreally blurry beach, on my blurry green beach towel, drinking a blurry beer, and being a blurry dude on the beach. My room only had a blurry painting of the city. I see too much of the city. I see too many cities every day. A change of scenery is good sometimes._

_“We can’t do this.” Brendon rolls onto his back as well. I feel my heart drop, though I had told myself not to let myself feel that way. I take a deep breath and suck it up because, well, that was going to happen regardless, it was just a matter of when._

_“Oh.” I don’t have the drive to argue anymore about it. It’s all we do anymore. We argue with Ryan and Jon. We argue with each other. We fuck, and then argue more. We’ve been arguing so much that I could go my whole life making shitty compromises to avoid another argument._

_“That’s it? ‘Oh.’?” Brendon continues, sounding hurt."_

_What do you want me to say, Brendon?” I sigh at him. I don’t understand why everyone wants to pick a fight. I don’t want to fight with Brendon like this anymore._

_“Fuck,” Brendon covers his eyes. “I wish-“_

_I’m getting out of his bed before he can finish because this is a casual hook up thing we have going, and it’s obviously not going to end in sex so there is no reason for me to be there anymore. I don’t know why I thought it could be more than casual between us. I don’t know why I thought the way he looked at me meant anything more than him needing to get laid. Well, if he’s changed his mind on the sex, I guess I’m no longer needed here. Luckily, I still have my clothes on so I can just go back to my own room and pretend I wasn’t even here tomorrow._

_“Where are you going?” Brendon asks. He almost sounds like he cares. It’s funny how he can do that. How he can make me think he cares more than as a friend. I know better now though, it’s okay. It’s fine, Brendon, we won’t ruin Ryan’s precious band._

_“To sleep.” I say, and I leave Brendon’s room to himself._

-

I watch my smoke float away until the door to the roof opens and shuts against the brick I propped it open with just enough to keep it from locking me out here. I don’t turn around, but I wait for an unfamiliar voice from one of the hotel staff to tell me that guests can’t be out on the roof. I hear no voice, but I hear footsteps approaching me, so I turn to assess the situation. When I see Brendon I acknowledge him and turn back to look out at the city in front of me. We have a night off from touring here in San Francisco so we actually get free time to do what we wish in the city. My activities so far have included unpacking as slow as I could possibly unpack in my room, and then bribing one of the hotel staff members to unlock the roof door by signing one of those notepads that you get in every hotel room for her. I’ve been chain smoking up here for maybe thirty minutes, hoping the rest of the band hasn’t been trying to get ahold of me; I left my phone back in the hotel room. Brendon stands further away from the edge than where I am standing, which is a reasonably safer distance from possible doom at the hand of gravity. Brendon coughs behind me, probably trying to get my attention, so I oblige and turn to him.

“Hi.” I greet him succinctly, flicking ash off of the cigarette.

“What’s up?” Brendon asks, but what he’s really asking is more along the lines of, “Why are you chain smoking on the roof when you don’t even smoke cigarettes?” which is not exactly a question I’d like to justify with an answer. I’d rather sit here forever and let my lungs wither up in the cold air.

“Standing.” If he can play the mysterious game all of the time, then I can do just the same to him.

“You left your phone in the room again.” Brendon states like I don’t know perfectly well that my phone is off and shoved in the hidden little pocket inside my suitcase. 

“Yeah.” I confirm. I take the last drag of my cigarette and decide that I don’t even like smoking and that I should stop. I drop it next to my foot and crush it with my shoe. I simultaneously wish I could understand what Brendon is thinking, and that he could disappear and leave me to my roof activities.

“The guys want to know if you’d like to go to the bar with us.” Brendon continues. I nod. Being alone is nice for thinking, but being drunk is good for not thinking which is the better option of the two. Brendon purses his lips awkwardly, realizing that I’m not going to have a conversation right now. “So… We were kind of about to leave.”

“Okay.” I turn to follow Brendon off of the roof, watching him shove his hand in his pant pocket awkwardly. He yanks the door open for us, and we descend the stairs silently. I catch a glimpse of his face every so often, but it reveals nothing to me about what he’s thinking. His arm almost brushes mine, and although it should be insignificant to me, I feel hot just thinking about his skin on mine. I look away from him, hoping my breath hadn’t jumped noticeably. He seems completely indifferent to my minuscule reactions, so I count it as safe. When we reach the bottom of the stairs, I’m actually grateful to be in the presence of other people.

“Hey guys, let’s go get drunk!” Jon grins at us both, and I grin back because I’m good at that. I can switch to the happy, getting drunk with his friends guy. I can do that even if Brendon’s driving me crazy all of the time. With a few drinks it won’t even be a big deal anymore. With a lot of drinks the problem won’t even exist. So I let my best friends drag me out to some bar in San Francisco, and I tell myself that I’m going to feel better.

The bar is crowded, and hot, and loud. Ryan keeps talking really loudly at me, and I’m trying to engage, really, but I can’t for the life of me pay attention so I just smile and nod at him. Ryan says something about Brendon getting laid, and I whip my head around to look at him. I don’t mean to be so obvious, but it’s totally the alcohol impairing my ability to contain myself.

“I said, ‘look Brendon is totally gonna get laid.’” Ryan repeats, looking a little hurt that I haven’t been paying attention nearly as much as he thought as I was. I look around at Brendon across the bar flirting with a girl who’s completely enamored by him. She’s absolutely gorgeous, of course. My chest tightens when she makes him laugh. The thought of him with her. The thought of him taking her back to the hotel. The thought of him using her to wash the taste of me out of his mouth and mind. I feel sick to my stomach suddenly, so I excuse myself from the table with Ryan. Ryan glares at me for abandoning him in the middle of one of his drunk rants, but I’d rather sit and gag over a toilet than hear the rest of whatever he’s talking about.

Brendon’s eyes follow me as I go to take refuge in the bathroom, and I half hope he follows me. The bathroom is questionable in condition, but I lean over a sink and splash water in my face anyway. The cold water startles me a little bit, but it doesn’t make me feel any less intoxicated.

-

_“I’m sorry.” Brendon is standing in the doorway of the bathroom in a bar in Chicago. I’m splashing water on my face and trying to think about anything other than the huge fight that the whole band just had. I’m so scared that if Ryan and Brendon keep fighting that the band will fall apart before we even get to go anywhere with it. I stand up straight and dry my face off with the rough paper towels._

_“It’s fine.” I lie badly, using my still shaky hands to brush my hair away from my eyes. Brendon frowns at me in concern, walking up to the sinks to stand next to me._

_“No, it isn’t.” Brendon corrects me, and I can’t even argue with that because he’s right. It’s not okay. I want it to be okay but it’s all falling apart. I’m too scared of losing everything I care about._

_“Brendon,” My voice cracks on his name involuntarily. “I- just don’t- I don’t.” I let out a shaky breath, and Brendon pulls me into a hug. I bury my face in his neck, breathing in as calmly as I can manage. He smells a little like sweat and alcohol, but also like his deodorant and for some reason it comforts me to be in his arms._

_“Listen,” Brendon rubs my back slowly. “You’re my best friend, and I’m not gonna leave you. Whatever happens with the band happens, but we can still be friends always.”_

_“Always?” I know I sound like a baby, and I know I sound desperate, but if I lose the band I could lose almost everything. If something could be solid, something consistent, maybe it would feel better._

_“Forever, dude.” Brendon promises. “You can’t get rid of me.”_

-

“You okay?” Brendon skips standing in the doorway this time, moving right up to the sink next to mine. I feel something in my chest over the fact that he abandoned the pretty girl to follow me into the bathroom. I must have looked pretty not okay on the way in here, which is sort of embarrassing. I mean I don’t think I’m dying or vomiting so there’s really no reason for him to follow me in here. False alarm, I’m fine.

“Yeah,” I say, but my voice gives me away. I wish my voice wouldn’t betray me like that, it’s pretty fucked up when your own body won’t let you lie. I shake my head and close my eyes. “No. I’m too drunk.”

“You’ve been drunker.” Brendon counters, and yeah, he’s right I’m still somewhat coherent and I can still stand, so it’s obvious that that alcohol is not the primary issue here. It was supposed to help, but it ended up only making it worse. I probably should have seen that one coming.

“Don’t feel good.” I slur only slightly, and I sit against the wall of the disgusting bathrooms because I’m drunk enough to not care about how unsanitary everything is in here. Brendon sits beside me and it reminds me of the time he sat with me when I really was too drunk to function.

-

_“Don’t feel good.” I slur heavily, lolling my head back against the bathroom wall. I’m sitting in a bathroom in New York, I think, but it’s hard to remember when the world is spinning so much. I definitely got a little too out of control with my alcohol consumption this time. Brendon walks over to sit next to me, but it looks a lot like there are multiple Brendons and it hurts my head to look at. I cover my eyes with the heels of my hands to stop the spinning._

_“Why’d you drink so much?” He asks from my right. I laugh because there was a reason at one point, but I can hardly remember where I am, let alone why I let myself try to drink away my issues. I blame Ryan for letting me. He decided to take shrooms earlier and was too busy babbling about something I couldn’t see to stop me from drinking the rest of our booze. I think he’s a complete idiot for taking shrooms and then going to a public bar of all places, but I know that Zack won’t let him go off and die somewhere so I’m not too worried about anything other than his own public humiliation._

_“I dunno.” I tell Brendon, because it’s about him and he knows it is but I won’t tell him that because he doesn’t need me to. Brendon sighs next to me, but I keep my eyes covered by my hands because I don’t need another visual of his disappointment._

_“Maybe we shouldn’t have started this.” Brendon tells me, stabbing me right in the chest. I try not to let his words mean what they do, because I don’t need to do something stupid like cry in front of him. “It’s putting more stress on us. We already have so many problems with the band. It could mess everything up.”_

_“I need to go home.” I tell him, trying to change the subject to the fact that I probably should just go to a bed and sleep._

_“We’re in New York, Spencer.” Brendon clarifies. I know that. Well I remember now at least._

_“Then I want the hotel.” I tell him. He sighs and I think I hear him pull his phone out. I assume that he’s calling a taxi to drag my ass back home. He should probably make Ryan go back too because I’m pretty sure the last time I saw him, he tried telling a girl she had lovely whiskers and he probably shouldn’t be out in public._

_“C’mon.” Brendon pulls me up, and I stagger with most of my weight on him. He pulls me out of the bar and into the cold street to wait. The air feels like tiny cold daggers against my face, which means it’s colder than should be safe for human beings because it’s always warmer feeling when I drink._

_Brendon and I don’t speak in the cab, and when we get to the hotel he drags me up to my room. I want him to stay with me, not to fuck or make out, but just to stay with me. I want him to hold me because it’s all I always want from him. I want him to care about me when I know he can’t._

_“Get some sleep.” Brendon tells me before he takes me to my bed. I nod lazily, and he turns around to leave me._

_“Don’t leave.” I half beg him. He stops at the doorway, but doesn’t turn around. His shoulders are tense and I know I should have just kept my mouth shut._

_“Not tonight.” He looks down at his own feet, and then closes the door behind him. I sit in the dark of my room and feel emptier than I should. I rub my eyes again, but they’re wet. I don’t remember starting to cry, but now I can’t stop. I lay face down on my pillow and pretend I’m not crying like a child._

-

“Yeah?” Brendon pulls me out of the memory, and for once I’m thankful. I don’t very much like that one memory, although it’s one of the more recent ones I have of us. I know we could sneak off like we sometimes do, but I also know that things are messed up between us and that could end really horribly.

“Will you tell me how you feel?” I blurt out, because I can’t handle holding in that question anymore. I want to tell him what I’ve had to hold in for months. I need a straight answer from him this time. Not a ‘we shouldn’t’ but then doing it anyway. Not glances that make me feel warm, followed by a fight over it two hours later. I don’t want to hang on the way he is when we get to be together when he’s always saying we shouldn’t after it.

“About?” Brendon turns to look at me. I don’t cover my eyes with my hands this time around because I need to know what he’s thinking. I need to see the signs on his face if he won’t say it out loud.

“Me. Us. Is it more than casual? It feels like it. For me. Sometimes I feel like you might.” I shake my head because it doesn’t come out right. It all comes out so disjointed and clunky. There’s nothing eloquent about any of it. Brendon doesn’t answer me. I look at him, searching for a fragment of an answer in his face, but all he does is bite his lip and look at his own hands. I want to escape this conversation now. No answer feels worse than a bad answer. I sigh and try to get off of the ground, but I feel too heavy. Brendon doesn’t move to follow me as I get myself out of the bathroom “Sorry.”

I walk as steadily as I can manage out of the bathroom and I find my seat next to Ryan has been taken by a beautiful blond girl who is laughing and smiling back at him. I feel almost betrayed, but it’s only fair for him to have someone who will actually listen to his babbling.

“Can we leave?” Brendon’s voice asks in my ear. He must have gotten up to follow me when I didn’t notice. The heat of his breath on my ear may or may not go straight to my dick, and I might be too drunk to worry about the emotional consequences of saying yes, but it’s all I can think of saying.

“Yeah. Please.” I nod, and he tugs me out of the bar.

-

_“We should stay.” Brendon says in my ear as the band is preparing to go to a party after the show. I had been very excited to get drunk tonight, but suddenly I’m ready to feign headaches and possible death to stay behind. I turn to smile at him and indicate some sort of ‘hell yes’ to him without saying it out loud._

_“Hey, you guys coming?” Zack calls out to us. I shake my head._

_“I’ve got a headache, I’m just gonna get some extra sleep tonight.” I lie to him. I know it’s probably not the most believable lie, but if he wants a real headache, then I can give him the whiniest Spencer ever._

_“I’m gonna stay back, I’ve got to call my mom tonight anyway.” Brendon tells Zack even though Brendon never calls his mom instead of going to parties. I know it’s suspicious, but I also know that I don’t care if we’re the most obvious people right now. Brendon pulls out his phone to pretend to dial his mom’s number._

_“Whatever dudes.” Zack rolls his eyes and takes off after the rest of the crew to wherever the party is supposed to be. I watch them turn a corner and disappear from sight, and as soon as they do, Brendon’s phone goes back into his pocket._

_“Gosh, my mom isn’t answering her phone,” Brendon smirks at me, and I start to roll my eyes at him. “I guess I have to find someone else to occupy me for a few hours.”_

_“Gee, I wonder who would do that for you.” I tease him._

_“I wonder.” He pulls me onto the bus and I let him straddle me on the couch._

-

I’m expecting Brendon to drag me up the elevator and into his room and have his way with me, and I’m ready to let him, but he’s pushed the top floor number instead of our own number. I don’t know what he plans to do on a hotel floor that we have no rooms on.

“Uh,” I try to notify him of his mistake, but he presses his forefinger to his lips and shushes me. I fake an offended look, but let him do as he wishes. If he wants to run all over the hotel, I will let him because it’s better than fighting. On the top floor he pulls my arm to the stairwell and pushes me against the wall. I wait for him to kiss me, and he takes his sweet time to do that. He moves in slow, touching his nose to mine first. I close my eyes and bring my mouth to meet his. He rubs his thumb on my jaw softly, before pulling back again. He pulls me up the flight of stairs that lead to the roof and I remember that I totally forgot to move the brick that propped the door open. I let myself have one guilty thought for the hotel worker who I promised to lock the door back up after I left.

The air out on the roof is even colder than it had been on the ground, which is probably the worst thing about whatever Brendon’s plan is. I had been hoping that he would choose a place that wouldn’t freeze my dick off. I look at him as we sit down against the wall. My legs are under his purely to keep them from freezing solid and breaking off. He doesn’t turn to meet my eyes, he only looks out at the sky. He’s not looking at any stars, because there aren’t any in the sky, there are no constellations for him to search for. I wish I could read his mind but he’s too guarded about what he feels. Even if you get a clue of what he feels, he’ll turn around and overcompensate for it by doubling the guard he has up. I wait patiently though, because I am a patient man and if this is his idea of some weird emotional foreplay, then so be it. He clears his throat after a moment, sounding loud over the silence.

“I think,” Brendon begins after a while. “I think that I might know how I feel.”

“Yeah?” The wind is starting to freeze every part of my body and I think I might actually turn into an ice cube like they do on cartoons.

“I think that you should tell me first though.” Brendon turns to meet my eyes finally. I don’t think that it’s very fair that he get to answer last when I asked the question first.

“That’s pretty unfair, dude, I asked first.” I point out to him.

“Fair enough.” He sighs and looks down at his lap. “Well, I think you already know that I’ve always thought you’re hot, so I’ll skip that.”

“You spoil me.” I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes. He chuckles only slightly, but it’s enough to make my heart flutter.

“Okay, but you’re my best friend right? So I didn’t want to mess that up, and when we started this… thing we have… I was so scared to let it ruin things.” Brendon starts to ramble faster and faster like he always does when he’s really nervous or stressed out. “I freaked out, and I know that wasn’t fair for you, but I was scared of how I felt because you’re not supposed to just fall in love with your best friend, and I couldn’t-“ I kiss him and interrupt his rambling because he’s answered all of the question that I needed him to answer. He relaxes into the kiss and pulls my head closer. I move to sit over him on my knees, one knee on each side of him. He opens his mouth to sigh at the friction between us, and I take the opportunity to bite his lip. He moves his hands down to my ass and I make a small, slightly embarrassing noise. He pulls his mouth away to look at me, and I’m much less than happy about him stopping my only source of heat on this arctic tundra of a roof.

“What about you?” Brendon almost frowns as if I’m going to answer any differently than he did after all that. I laugh at him, because he’s the the most oblivious asshole I’ve ever met in my life. Maybe I’m just too giddy from hearing him say that he’s in love with me. He frowns even more at me, bordering on a hurt expression.

“You fucking dumbass,” I manage in between my laughing. “I’m obviously in love with you, or I’d have given up a long time ago. You play a mean game of hard to get, Brendon Urie.” I smile warmly at him. His lips look cold even though I was just kissing them which means it’s too cold for us to stay out here any longer. “But as much as I love you, I think we need to move this down to my room because my dick is not leaving my pants in this weather.”

“I hate you.” Brendon leans his head into my shoulder, but I can feel him smiling into my skin. I feel like my chest may actually explode from how full I feel in this moment. I’m straddling Brendon awkwardly on the roof of a hotel, partially because I’m horny, and partially because I’m also freezing to death and I need to steal his body heat. I smile into his hair so hard that my face starts to hurt.

“Okay, but can we go have sex now?” I half beg.

“Only if you promise not to leave afterwards.” Brendon says into my shoulder, shivering at the wind.

“I’m here to stay.” I lean back to cross my heart dramatically like Ryan used to make me do when we were twelve. Brendon grins and I feel like I’ve just won first place in a race or something because I know that if I stick around I’ll get to see him smile like that more.


End file.
